Tuesday, December 14, 2004

no si thgil der nehw retne ton oD- yaR-X

I had my HSG yesterday.

I took the small valium tablet in the taxi on the way to the hospital yesterday, surreptiously rootling it out of the envelope my mother had given me, dry-swallowing it while the driver wasn't looking. I wasn't quite sure when to take the tablet but the whole taxi thing was stressing me out almost as badly as the thought of the procedure. So I figured better sooner than later. I HATE taxis with a fiery loathing. I sit in the back, watching the fare tick tick tick, palms sweating, agonising over the extortionate amount of money. To go so little a distance! I could tell you long tales of the lengths I usually go to avoid taxis, but we're here to talk about the HSG, so I won't.

Nor was I quite sure how the valium would make me feel. I knew it wasn't a very strong dose, but I haven't taken anything stronger than an Advil in over 15 years. Plus, as I have already explained hospitals can sometimes be a little surreal for me at the best of times.

I got there, found the X-Ray department, filled in a form, took out a second mortgage on my house to pay for the test, and sat down to wait. Whereupon I began to feel slightly odd. In particular, I found myself staring at all the signs around me, trying to work out what the words said, if read backwards.

As in, "rehpargoidar eht rof tiaw esaelp"- "Please wait for the radiographer" . Or "tnangerp eb thgim uoy kniht uoy fi wonk su tel ot erus eb- seidaL"- "Ladies- be sure to let us know if you think you might be pregnant".

Once I started, I could not stop. So I figured the valium must be working.

I also discovered that one of the nice things about paying for treatment at a private hospital is that in addition to the nasty paper gown tying up the back, they also give you a big fluffy warm white robe to cover your pantless dignity while you wait. And a wee locker for all your gubbins, seeing how you are about to be flat on your back with a tube up the cooter, and will hardly be in a position to mind your handbag.

Excellent. Deep breathing. Letters backward. The doctor will be with you soon. Noos. Noos. Noos.

Once I got into the X-Ray room, there were a few quick questions- had I ever been pregnant? No. Was there a chance I could be pregnant now? No. Had I ever had a test like this before? On. Sorry? On. I mean, no. No.

OK then, all aboard.

Now, I do so hate anybody clamping anything on my cervix, you know, generally, and this was no exception. But it didn't really hurt. It felt a bit...squiggy, I guess is how I would describe, though I very much doubt that is the technical term. When the dye went in, there was a brief sharp period-like ache but that was it. No BURNING, SEARING pain a la Soper *. Thank you, baby Jesus.

[*Read comments section on the last post for this soothing, uplifting description of what may be experienced in some cases.]

The test itself took all of five minutes. I know, because I heard the doctor tell the nurse afterwards, and I lay there for a moment calculating how many £££ per minute. Gah. A lotta lot .

And now the good news- I have a uterus! And fallopian tubes! Right where they should be! The tubes are clear, and all looks normal uterine-wise. I looked over at the X-Ray monitor as I was cinching myself back into a more dignified sitting up position, and there it was- my little dye filled uterus, all as normal as can be. Cute, I thought, looking more closely at the screen while the nurse went to get me a sanitary pad. It's quite cute. Empty, but cute. Etuc.

Now all we can do is confer with Dr Ticktock when we have our appointment next week. Somehow I doubt "cute" is an adjective he will be using, but I don't really care as long as he concurs that all is normal.

And then...? We'll see.


At 8:50 PM, Blogger amyesq said...

Yay for your "cute ute"! Glad to hear it went well.

At 9:16 PM, Blogger Soper said...

Yay! (That's "yay" backwards) Yay for no horrible pain! Yay for normal tubes and such!

Of course, with my HSG, the doc was so very nice as to show me the six inch tweezer and then tell me "Now I'm putting the clamp in your vagina..." which probably didn't help the pain level. Oh, and he squirted the dye too fast, so it SUCKED.

.k.o. era uoy dalg

At 9:25 PM, Blogger amanda said...

Amy stole my comment. Darn you, Amy. Anyway, congrats. I'm glad your HSG wasn't a bitch.

At 9:44 PM, Blogger lobster girl said...

SO glad it wasn't painful, Mare. Mine stung like a mo-fo, so how nice you were spared that. And I bet your uterus IS cute, you cutie.

At 12:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cute is good...glad it was all good.


At 12:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to hear it went well. Gotta love valium (will be looking for a house in the Valley of the Dolls soon).

~Brooklyn Girl

At 1:06 AM, Blogger Toni said...

Glad everything went well...let's hope the 30% is with you!!!

At 2:41 AM, Blogger E. said...


I'm so glad it wasn't too painful, and even better, that everything looks good!

At 2:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Valium is da bomb. And I am so stealing "Noos, noos, noos" because that is the most hilarious thing I've ever read.

At 7:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


That's congratulations to you, sweetie. God, I love Valium.

At 1:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

YAY! I'm always happy to hear news that all of the body parts in the right place.

Middle Way

At 1:52 PM, Blogger The Barrenness said...

Glad it went well. When I had mine done, the ob/gyn and radiologist got into an disagreement about "technique".


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