Sunday, July 18, 2004

A place of my own

E. and I had a little fight on the drive back through from the Other City this morning.

You see, E. and I, despite having very similar tastes in a great many things, have somewhat different perspectives on how a weekend should be spent.

E.'s version involves bounding out of bed at 8.30, running down to get the paper, which he reads very fast while hoovering up his breakfast. Then, if the weather isn't favourable to his partaking in one of his "guy activities" which totally exclude me, (such as fishing, golfing or cricket), he proceeds directly to nagging me about what we are going to do this weekend. Where are we going? What are we doing? When? Things to accomplish, things to do do do.

My weekend mode involves a rather different charging of the batteries. I wouldn't describe myself as lazy, but I work damn hard during the week, and I like to sleep late if possible, then pooter round the house. Hang up the laundry, tidy up a bit. Then do some shopping, or read a book. Go to the gym if I am in the mood, or go out for a walk. Or go online.

It's the last item on my agenda that E. objects to. Now, I admit I do spend rather a lot of time online. And that has been a habit for a number of years now- the "infertility thing" has only exacerbated this behaviour. E. doesn't know anything about my blog, or my message board, and he can't understand why I would choose to spend hours tippy-tapping to all my virtual friends.

Not that he knows who any of my virtual friends are- he can barely remember the names of the 'real friends" he has met. And even then he can only identify them by some external characteristic.

E: "Jennifer? She's the one who goes out with Mark?"

Me: "Yes, Jen and Mark. The only Jennifer I associate with. They've been here for dinner about three times. We're invited to their wedding. How can you not remember?"

E: "Is she the one you used to work with?"

And so it goes.

In E.'s book, the whole online thing is just another sign of my tendency towards reclusiveness, toward hiding from the rest of the world. OK, I admit it would be unhealthy if I blogged to the exclusion of all other activities in life, but I don't. I work hard, I go to the gym three or four times a week, I read a lot, I watch movies, I do meet up with "real life" friends. It's just that ultimately, I prefer to be able to do my "socialising" in the comfort of my own home, wearing my pajamas if I so desire.

I think the main reason E. doesn't like my virtual life is because it's a place that doesn't involve him. And the fact that he regularly engages in hobbies which exclude me (and which take up the whole day) doesn't seem to count. Thus hence our fight.

I need to be able to find a way to explain to E. that by going online, I'm actually patching together my sanity. I'm re-connecting to people who understand what I am feeling, and who support me. And that by doing so, I am better equipped to come back to him in one piece, and be a person he would actually want to spend time with.

Is that so hard to understand?


At 8:10 PM, Blogger Soper said...

Are we dating the same person? How can you and I be having the same fight on two different continents?

At 8:11 PM, Blogger amanda said...

No, it's not hard to understand. I guess I'm fortunate in that my husband is as addicted to the internet as I am, if not more. Oh, and I agree with how the "infertility thing" can make one more dependent on the online world. For me, that has to do with my lack of experience with infertile people in the "real world." It just helps to know that there are people out there, somewhere, experiencing similar things.

At 12:59 AM, Blogger lobster girl said...

My husband's more addicted than me, so we can't really fight about it. I used to get upset with him for spending so much time on his message boards, but now that I'm an IF blog junkie, I can't really complain anymore! Sorry this is causing problems for you, Mare.

At 1:42 AM, Blogger Dawn said...

"I'm re-connecting to people who understand what I am feeling, and who support me. And that by doing so, I am better equipped to come back to him in one piece, and be a person he would actually want to spend time with."

Have you said this exact phrase to him? I think he might understand a little better if he realized that we can't give our best to others if we aren't feeling our best ourselves. It is touchy though, I know my husband has recently discovered that I am blogging and why I am doing so, and although he is trying very hard to respect my boundaries the curiosity is killing him. "do you talk about me? what do you say? do you tell people I am good, or that I am an asshole?"

It is a difficult and delicate issue for sure, but I hope you are able to work it out.

At 7:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too funny. EVERY time I start a story, I have to give him a quick recap like they do after every commercial on Fear Factor-- Karen, you know, the one who is pg. after 3 IVF's. Lucy, you know, the one with the teenage daughter who is out of control, FCC, remember? Families with Children from China. *sigh*


At 2:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I am in the same boat! I have become such a internet junkie since this whole infertility thing. Sometimes my husband just doesn't understand why it is so important for me to connect with people on line. I think if he knew how much it helped you he might have a different view of it?


At 9:57 PM, Blogger vitariz said...

yes! why do men insist in such imposing manners towards happy women?

let me confess you that, after two divorces, I really own my weekends... and weekdays... and holidays.

plus a dvd player. :)



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