Sunday, June 13, 2004

Things I Hate- Part 1

If Blogger has the capacity to set up various categories of posts, I can't seem to find out how to do it. This is a shame, because there would surely be a category called: Things I Hate- only I am sure I would find some cleverer title than that if it was going to be a permanent fixture on the sidebar.

Instead, we'll just have to have series of posts on that topic. And I'm not feeling so clever today, so let's just keep it simple and call it "Things I Hate Part 1".

The words "should" and "ought to". As in:

-"You should take your parents to [insert tourist location here], since they have come all the way over from America to see you."

-"You should try planting [insert particular plant] in your roof garden, and should water it X many times a day and you ought to sit outside when the sun is out and you should enjoy said garden."

-"You should run a 10k/half marathon/marathon".

-"You ought to open an high interest savings account with that money instead of spending it on Prada shoes."

I can barely tolerate the words "should" and "ought to" generally, because like a lot of people, I have a real aversion to being TOLD WHAT TO DO. Last I checked, I was a grown up with a well-paying job, a nice place to live, a driver's license, and ability to feed, bathe and clothe myself. I am perfectly capable of figuring out what to do with my own money, my own career, and my own leisure time.

And my own body, relationship, and family choices, thank you very much.

So when people start on the word "should" in relation to infertility, it makes me crazed. I know they are generally well-meaning, I know they, in many cases, actually have some good advice to offer.

But please, please, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, don't dress that advice up in a directive fashion. Please think about what the word "should" and "ought to" conveys in this context. I know most of the time, no harm is meant, but to my ears it usually says "I know better than you", or "if you don't, nothing good will come of it".

Try "could". You could drink more green tea, you could visit an infertility clinic, you could soothe your troubled soul by buying little treats for yourself. Try "can"- as in, "did you know, you can order those vitamin supplements to help E.'s funny shaped sperm online for so much cheaper!"

Could is "take it or leave it". Can is positive action. Should is "you better, or else".

Yes, I know I am a little touchy. A little hyper-sensitive. But I'm the one sitting here, confronting the unnerving possibility that I may or may not be able to have the one thing in the world I want the most right now- a baby with E.

If you have a problem with that, then you should shut the fuck up.


Post a Comment

<< Home