Wednesday, August 11, 2004

A letter from Twoweekwait

Dear Auntie,

Hi! How's it going?

I'll bet you are wondering why I am writing to you, since we usually catch up on all the news during your monthly visit. Well, it's really just that lately, I've been feeling too pissed off to talk much when we meet. And I feel that generally, I have been quite remiss in not even sending you so much as a postcard during this whole extended journey I am on with TTC Adventures Ltd.

And there is something I wanted to ask you- but we'll come to that.

At the moment, as I think you know, I am in Twoweekwait. I've been here lots of times, so I pretty much know my way around. I think I have visited all the local attractions, and frankly, I'm bored. It's not my top choice of destination.

I've been noticing some really odd changes to the landscape. The first time I came here, it seemed much lusher and greener. But now the ground looks all dry and cracked. All the trees have this peculiar gray tinge, and and even though we have had a few big thunderstorms, it never rains. I guess it must be some kind of drought. The tour guides say that happens sometimes.

It's a little worrying though, because the shops don't seem to get any fresh provisions in. I gather some of the supply roads have shut down recently, and there is a rail strike, so no freight can get through. I'm now running low on rations. I've just about used up all my patience, and hope is just about gone too. The shops do have some hope in stock, although I am guessing it's too expensive, since they keep saying I can have it, but there's a high price to pay. Fortunately, I can borrow some courage from one of other tourists, so that should see me through for the short term.

While I'm here, I've put in yet another application for a visa to Pregnancy. I am waiting to hear back from the Home Office. I guess you realise if it's granted, then we won't be seeing each for awhile? But from what they were saying, there is a good chance they'll turn me down again. In which case I'll be deported right back to where I came from. Do not pass go, do not collect baby. Fucking bureaucrats. Oops, sorry Auntie, language, heh heh heh.

Actually, while we are on the subject of requests, that brings me to the thing I wanted to ask you. The Home Office say they might be more inclined to give me a visa if there's nothing in my background check to cause concern. But I think we both know that your input could play a big part in their decision-making process. So I was wondering if you could maybe see your way to giving them the nod, and we can postpone our meeting for a few months? Like, say, nine months?

Now, please don't get insulted. It's just that I so want to move on, to visit Pregnancy. And I know there are so many girls who are actually desperate to see you. Remember when I was one of them? Your visits were such cause for celebration! Maybe you could go spend some time with someone who really wanted you around. Think how nice that would be for both of you!

Well, you can think about it. I probably won't hear back from the Home Office for another week anyway, so that will give you a little time to have that word with them.

I know the mail is a little irregular sometimes, but if we're resourceful, we can work around that. How about we'll just say that if you don't turn up at our usual meeting spot at the designated time, I'll take it that the answer is probably yes. I'll try not to think about it too much until then, since I don't want to use up that cache of hope.

OK, so gotta sign off- the tour guide is waving me over to join a group chat.

Bye for now!


Mare xxx ooo


At 11:46 PM, Blogger E. said...

"TTC Adventures Ltd." - beautiful. I think we should all demand our money back...or at least organize a hope airdrop.

Here's hoping your old bag won't show up this time (uhhh, she doesn't read this, does she?)

At 2:17 AM, Blogger Monique said...

I really hope your Auntie gets your letter on time and that she grants your wish!!! Hehe.

At 6:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post was excellent, very, very clever. I hope your auntie disappears for 9 months...crossing my fingers for you.


At 3:33 PM, Blogger lobster girl said...

Very clever, my little horsie, as always. I hope you get a first-class ticket to Pregnancy. Your Auntie will wait for you until you get back.

At 4:51 PM, Blogger Katie said...

Can I copy this letter and send it to my auntie as well? It's everything I've wanted to say but couldn't put down. You are so clever. Thanks.

At 6:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am going to make you a tiny little sign you can put on your progesterone that reads "No Auntie please."
I hope that will do the trick.
Keeping everything crossed (eyes included) for you.


At 6:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ooops, just realized that you are spared the progesterone crap.
Hmmm. How about a small tatoo?

Menita, contritely

At 8:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone has a crazy, old aunt...We have to admit she's part of the family, but we'd really rather not see her much. I love it!! Hope yours stays away for the full 9 mo.

Lost and finiding...

At 11:12 PM, Blogger Heather said...

You are brilliant! Interesting concept, approaching that aunt of yours so nicely. You catch more flies w/ honey and all that, right? Maybe I should give it a try.

Btw, I am absolutely going to take your suggestion re: my post titles. Fantastic idea.

At 11:33 PM, Blogger Jen said...

I think you are awfully kind to try to lure Auntie away with sweet words, rather than abduct her in a burlap sack (a treatment I find utterly fitting). And I really hope she stays the heck away from you for this month, and many months to come.

At 3:08 AM, Blogger Jen P said...

Very clever letter indeed. I used to remember the joyous days of seeing bright red smeared everywhere. Red is my favourite colour after all. Sadly, I don't mind if my own Auntie and I don't get to meet up for 9 months...she's never been too nice anyways.

Wishing the best for the 2ww....AFSA!

At 5:12 PM, Blogger Pazel said...

Now my auntie is a bitch. She always comes when I don't want to see her, and never when I do. I tried begging her to not show up, but yet she never failed.

I would love for you to get your visa soon. I've tried to put in some good words for you to Headquarters. I told them that you're clever, funny, and very deserving. Unfortunately, they've come so accustomed to ignoring my requests that they may not listen. I wish there was more I could do.


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