Wednesday, June 30, 2004

The thrill of the chase

During the moments when I am brutally honest with myself, I sometimes wonder if I am making a big deal out of not getting pregnant and not having a baby, just because it seems to be something other people achieve so easily. And it is human nature, after all, to want that which I cannot have. Generally, not just in relation to babies. In fact, the more I can't have it, the more I want it.

But-and stay with me here- I only want things which I could have, or think I should be able to have, but cannot, for various reasons, seem to obtain.

For example, a private jet. Never gonna happen. Outside the realm of possibility. However, a plot of land on which we could build the house of our dreams- that is something in theory, we should be able to find and acquire. But no- after a year of looking high and low, there are no plots which suit our needs. We drove ourselves crazy for awhile, thinking there was all this land out there- surely there must be one small acre for us!

With some things, like the plot, I just lose interest and give up after awhile. But other stuff, I get the bit between my teeth and won't let go. Even when I know it's completely dumb to persist.

Another example- gmail- the Google mail account. It's not widely available yet- only certain people were sent invites by Messrs Google & Co to test it out. Those people in turn can invite other people to join.

Somehow, and don't ask me to explain it, these account invitations took on a certain exclusive desirablity and the next thing you know, they are being auctioned off on eBay and the like.

If you think about it, it's kind of dumb to buy an email account which, if you wait a little while, will be offered free to the population at large. When E. and I first read about it in the paper, we were like "huh? Who would be stupid enough to actually buy one?"

Well, duh, me of course. Because as soon as I started thinking about it, I decided I was really curious. I wanted to see what it was like. I wanted to secure my own user name before it could get snapped up. So I popped round to eBay and scooped up a couple accounts for minimal pence. The fact that I lost out on about ten auctions before I was successful only made me more determined. E. was secretly delighted that I had gone to the effort of doing this- turns out he really wanted one, too.

Now that I have it, I wonder why I bothered. Half the fun was hunting it down, the thrill of the chase. And during those brutally honest moments, I recognise that there is an element of this going on here.

But I also know, in the sane part of me, it's not really just about obtaining the unobtainable. At the core, it's about wanting to be a parent, wanting to be a family. The fact that it's easy for some and harder for me ultimately makes no difference. And if it makes me more determined to succeed, to have what they have- well, let's face it, if what lies ahead involves giving myself this kind of shot, hell, I am going to need some incentive.


At 3:20 PM, Blogger lobster girl said...

This is a very honest post. Good for you. Brave girl. In my past, I've also wanted things terribly that, in retrospect, I realize I wanted mostly because I couldn't get it, or had to compete for it. I ended up with a 5 year boyfriend that way! Oops.

At 8:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wanting a baby is usually about instinct, not about competitiveness. However,I know from personal experience that being competitive doesn't help. The last time I was pregnant I thought "well at least I won't be as old as my sister-in-law was when she had her baby." It's pathetic that I felt like I had won because I was going to be younger than her when I gave birth. I think being competitive is what makes us professionaly successful, but it doesn't always play well in our personal lives.



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