Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Bored

Bore (v.)

Weary by tedious talk, dullness or monotony.

-The Oxford Shorter English Dictionary


My primary emotion, as we turn down the home stretch of this cycle's two week wait, is not hope, fear or anticipation. No. What I feel at the moment is mostly... boredom.

I hate confessing that I am bored, because immediately that inner voice starts up. The voice that routinely and on cue, chimes out all the things your mother ever told you, taking up the chant,

"Bored people are boring to be with! Bored people are booooooring".

The implication of that saying is that: if I had enough inner resources to make the experience of waiting unsuccessfully to get pregnant into something interesting and positive, well, then I wouldn't be bored. So in other words, I feel dull, because I am dull. Well, OK, whatever. I am too bored to worry about how boring I might be. Really. I am too bored to care about the fact that I can't turn the soul-destroying siege of yet another cycle into something illuminating and entertaining for myself.

I recognise that infertility is not the sole cause of my boredom. If I subject the state of my life to a cool, clinical analysis, I can readily admit that many aspects of my life, even before we started trying, are/were boring. When I was younger, I traveled a lot and tried out several different career avenues, and those journeys took me some rather strange and unexpected places. Eventually though, I got sick of having no money, no stability and no security. So I opted for what was ultimately a rather safer & more conventional path. I got a job, I got a mortgage, I got responsibilities. And sometimes those bore me in a general sense, the way we all sometimes get tired of the usual drill.

One of the reasons we decided it was time to have a family is that we looked around at what we had. Though we agreed our situation was nice in many ways, we felt unfulfilled. We thought that having a child would be an enhancement on so many levels. We welcomed the challenge of parenthood. We felt that we would be better people for being parents, and we looked forward to having the opportunity to love and nuture a child. To think about something beyond ourselves, and what we had already created. It wasn't so much as we were bored with what we had- it was just that we wanted to move on to something that we both saw as a deeply enriching and fundamentally important experience.

Sometimes when we talk about the options, we discuss living child-free. I know for some people, child-free is really is not an option. In this house, however, we feel like we must keep all avenues open. Because the bottom line is that for us, it may turn out not to be so much an "option" as the default position. The status quo.

So while we start out agreeing that we like our lives just fine, we always come back, full circle. We've looked at where we are now, and decided it's not enough. That our careers, our hobbies, our properties, hot sex*, our holidays together- not enough. And not because it isn't good- it is. But because we've already looked past that and realised that we don't want to retain the status quo. We've become more and more sure of that over time, because unlike people who simply get pregnant as soon as they decide they want a family, we have to keep re-visiting what motivates us in that direction.

But I think it does become harder to keep re-evaluating a major life decision, one which we may, ultimately, never have the opportunity to make real. It just that it gets exhausting, every month, having to come back to that starting block. To work up the nerve, to conquer our fear of falling and throw ourselves off that high cliff, into the great unknown again and again. To keep asking the same questions that must, on some level, be asked yet again. Do we still want this? How much do we want this? Are we right to want this? How long can we carry on wanting if it never happens?

This is where we are right now. All we can do is hang on and wait for the point where we can add the extra questions. And I am extremely bored with being in that state. I am bored of waiting, bored of disappointment, bored of sex on schedule, bored of listening to other fertile types talk about their kids, bored of my life without baby. That doesn't mean I don't have all the other emotions mixed in there too- it's that today, like so many other days, the boredom is overwhelming. It cancels out everything else. It turns me into somebody I don't like- someone who is bored. Someone who is boring.


*just checking to see if you were paying attention, or if you were too bored by my boringness to notice.

16 Comments:

At 9:24 PM, Blogger sherry said...

Your boringness keeps me coming back for more. It's beeeoooootifull.

I couldn't have expressed those thoughts any better myself. You hit it on the head when you mentioned about the one goal you desperately want, but are unsure if it'll ever come to fruition. We're in the same boat.

 
At 9:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well _I_, for one, don't find you boring at all -- quite the opposite! And I'm sure your other readers would agree with me.

But I know how you feel. I feel that way, too, pretty much all the time!

I loved this post because it so beautifully describes why happy and fullfilled people want to have a family, want children in all their complicated, messy, wonderful glory...

Lovely post.

xxoo
Anna H.

 
At 10:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah Mare,

You've been tapping around in my head. That is so where I'm at. Here's hoping for too much excitement in your life soon ;)

xxoo

Emily
scrambledeggs

 
At 11:02 PM, Blogger Toni said...

I, too, am not bored with you. But I understand the feeling. It's hard...the waiting..endless waiting. I hope you become unbored soon!!

 
At 11:05 PM, Blogger E. said...

No way -- you'll never be boring!

I don't mean to minimize your feelings, though...I know that feeling too. You describe it so poetically.

 
At 12:31 AM, Blogger Jen P said...

I too am bored Mare. So damn bored of it all. It's all about the waiting. I'm bored of waiting. You're bored of waiting. Margaritas?

 
At 1:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, if this is you being boring...I don't think I could stand you being interesting : )
You are one of my favorite bloggers. I may have very bad taste but hey, whatever it is you're serving, I'm having lots of it.
Menita
(lifesjestbook)

 
At 2:10 AM, Blogger Heather said...

Oh, the boredom. I could write a book about the boredom, if it wouldn't be so, well, boring. (And yet you managed to write such an interesting post about it -- now that's talent!) You're so right. Getting up the sheer energy to go through the whole ttc cycle month after month after month is absolutely mind numbing.

You know, sex is the one thing I thought would never get boring (at least not until I was much older than this), and yet that was the first thing to go to hell in a handbasket after we'd been trying for six months or so. Ironic, isn't it, that the one thing you've got to do to get pregnant is the thing you feel least like doing after all that time?

 
At 2:17 AM, Blogger Heather said...

Oh, the boredom. I could write a book about the boredom, if it wouldn't be so, well, boring. (And yet you managed to write such an interesting post about it -- now that's talent!) You're so right. Getting up the sheer energy to go through the whole ttc cycle month after month after month is absolutely mind numbing.

You know, sex is the one thing I thought would never get boring (at least not until I was much older than this), and yet that was the first thing to go to hell in a handbasket after we'd been trying for six months or so. Ironic, isn't it, that the one thing you've got to do to get pregnant is the thing you feel least like doing after all that time?

 
At 2:46 AM, Blogger lobster girl said...

You may be bored, dearheart, but you are never ever boring.

Yes, the whole thing gets awfully tedious doesn't it? I don't know about you, but one reason I get bored with the process, with myself, is that I obsess so much about it that I wear myself out. Til I can hardly stand to think about it anymore. I bore myself to tears.

The strange thing about starting fertility treatments, is that it helps the boredom. Timed sex is mostly (but not entirely) removed from the equation once you're doing IUI's. So maybe you have that, at least, to look forward to? (That's a weird thing to look forward to, though, isn't it?)

 
At 3:11 AM, Blogger NSR said...

No, you are not boring at all! I too am bored of waiting for the baby, waiting for my life to continue again.

Nina

 
At 4:46 AM, Blogger DeadBug said...

You really ought to stop stealing the thoughts and feelings right out of my head. It's creeeeeepy.

You are absolutely un-boring. You can write about boringness and be completely absorbing, which is a major talent.

--Bug

 
At 5:50 AM, Blogger Meh said...

Infertility is probably the most boring thing ever. All that hurry and wait.

And to me, you are not boring while bored.

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger Soper said...

Well, I think you're boring. BORING. *snore* (ducks to avoid weird Scottish meat thrown at her by Mare)

Have you ever seen the Young Ones episode where they are all so bored that Neil decides to kill himself? And Rick pretends to glue himself to the window? Best episode ever...

I'm still sick, but the funny is coming back. *sneeze* Ha ha, I sneezed on you, now you're gonna catch it!

 
At 5:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, huh?, whaaaat? Did Mare say something?

Marla
the middle way

* You are never boring. Infertility is boring. It's the symptom (sp?) of the disease.

 
At 11:57 PM, Blogger vitariz said...

girl! you're just desperate, not bored. showing sadness and tiresome. seems you have great ways to express yourself, such as writing, thinking outloud.

sadness hurts. un-completion hurts. however you're so full of life and creativity. i guess you'll soon create new life inside your body as long as you stop chasing, but embracing your own self.

big fan of your blog,

xoxox

 

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